London Tube Drivers

A list of actual announcements that LONDON TUBE train DRIVERS have made to their passengers :

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction”.

“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from backside and elbow syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now….’Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…’”.

“We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that”.

Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage professional beggars, if you have any spare change you can give it to me.”

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately towels are not provided”.

“Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause…) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care….”

“Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”

“We can’t move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in the door”

“To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage – what part of ’stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”

“Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause…) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause…) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train – put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways”